Family Drama Resolved
Read on the Tuesday, June 2nd radio program.
Hello Dr. Laura, I heard a call from a young lady who had a rough childhood hit home. I also had a difficult family situation growing up where my parents, older brother, and younger sister all ganged up on me. I am 65 now; my brother is 69 and my sister is 64—they still live in that world.
My father would say I wasn’t going to amount to anything and would sing, “Kmart is the saving store” to me, implying that was all I would ever be qualified to do. My mother would often say I was a difficult, even evil child and hard to parent. They both insisted I was dumb (my younger sister eventually became valedictorian), while I ended up 15th in my class—without really trying.
At 17, I woke up and decided that a life well lived was the best revenge, and I never looked back.
Since then, I married at 22 and have been married to my wonderful husband for 43 years. We raised two happy, successful adults who are both married, and we now have two grandchildren so far and four grand-dogs.
My sister had a bitter divorce, and both of her children have experienced significant trauma. Her son finally speaks to her again, but her daughter does not. My brother is still married but is miserable, and his wife is on antidepressants and weighs 225 pounds. They tolerate each other, but there is no great love story there. My mother, as a widow, still enjoys playing each of us off one another, with me continuing to be the “problem child.”
I have done most of the care for our aging parents—six years of commuting from Colorado to Florida for my father, who passed away at 89 three years ago. I am very grateful for all I did. I am now caring for my mother, who is 92, coordinating her caregiver and managing her care from Colorado while she remains in Florida.
They still play the same old game: gaslighting me as the problem, accusing me of elder abuse (haha), calling me a horrible person and “rotten to the core.”
Well, I have had a fabulous and successful life—emotionally, in my leadership roles in volunteer work, and as a stay-at-home wife, mother, and grandmother. I get through it by seeing them for who they are now, and I will occasionally say an under-the-breath—or sometimes direct—“F you” when they cross the line.
It still hurts sometimes, but they can’t get to me anymore. When I need it, I simply go get a hug from my incredible husband. He sees it and understands the whole picture.
My sister insists that we need to reconcile for my mother’s sake. My brother wants us all to talk in person. But I don’t see why I should, when I believe I would just be ambushed and we would return to the old patterns.
To the young lady who called in—the best revenge is a life well lived. I will never get an apology from my siblings, but I do point out when they owe me one.
Wishing her the very best life. Move on and know who you are, and believe in your own sense of yourself—not the one your family paints for you.
Hugs Dr. Laura,
Susan
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