Following You to the Tee
Read on the Wednesday, May 13th radio program.
Dear Dr. Laura - What can I say? I have listened to you for most of my life and treasured your advice, insight, morals, and values. I’ve hung on every word from some callers and your answers, which always seemed so direct, steady, and obvious. And yet, for most of my life, I did the exact opposite of what you would have recommended.
We need a word for people like me—those who listen, agree, acknowledge, and understand, yet still think they know better and end up messing it all up. Someone wiser than wise, yet still foolish. Maybe “wupid”—wise yet stupid.
In my journey of messing up my life (and yes, please feel free to judge me), I married at 19 to an alcoholic abuser. I brought three children into that situation because I wanted to be a mom—selfishly—without first finding a good father for them. (Same father, so I did that part right.)
Today, I follow your advice to a tee. My life no longer feels like paddling a canoe upstream. Instead, it feels like floating on a nice raft with an umbrella and lemon water, drifting down a stream with a few rapids I can now manage with grace.
What I’m really trying to say is thank you—for being you.
I have now been divorced for 22 years. One thing I know I did absolutely right: I never placed any of my children in daycare. Life is not a balance sheet, but I believe the one thing I truly got right was giving my children me—every single day, fully present.
Today, my oldest son is estranged from me. He places his two children in daycare because his wife went to daycare and says she “loved” it. He has labeled me narcissistic, emotionally immature, toxic, traumatizing, and triggering. I told him I respect his choices and that if I am something that hurts him, then I honor his boundaries and his desire to keep his peace.
My second son, the middle child, recently divorced and followed his father’s drinking behaviors. I have been in Al-Anon for years, so I make sure to love him without enabling him. Right now, he is on a sober path, and I take each day of his sobriety as a blessing, while staying guarded.
Then there is number three—my daughter, the reason I am writing. She is a stay-at-home mom of three boys. Proud is an understatement.
The other day, I had my seven-year-old grandson in the car while listening to your show. You were doing a segment on daycare. I noticed he was listening intently.
He asked me what daycare was. I explained, “You know how your dad goes to work? Well, in some homes, both the mom and dad go to work. When they do, they drop their little kids off at a place with other adults and lots of little kids.”
He asked, “For the entire day?”
I said, “Yes, for the entire day.”
After sitting silently for a moment, he said, “Gramma, all those kids must be so sad.”
I asked why he thought they were sad.
He replied, “Because all they want is their moms during the day, and they can’t even have her.”
The discussion continued, and he concluded that maybe the kids who are mean at school went to daycare and didn’t get their moms all day. He decided no child would want that to be part of their world.
Then he suggested they all come to my house.
I said, “Well, then I would be the daycare.”
He laughed and said maybe Dr. Laura would help me with it.
Thank you for always staying true to stay-at-home moms. It is the best and toughest job in the world.
And thank you to my daughter, who rose to the occasion and is doing the hard work of raising three gentlemen who will add to society, not take from it.
A side note: she also chose a better father for her children than I did. ;)
Again, thank you for being you.
Mischa
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