How Not to Handle the Death of a Spouse

Read on the Tuesday, July 28th radio program.

Hi Dr. Laura! I was listening to your program recently, and your commentary on how to handle the death of a spouse was spot on—and very timely—for my husband and me.

In 2023, my husband’s dad passed away somewhat unexpectedly in his sleep. He was a kind and good man, but a limp dick (I feel bad saying that about someone who has died, but it’s true) when it came to his wife. She did not treat him well in life, but to hear him speak of her, she was an angel from heaven.

After his death, my mother-in-law chose to handle her grief poorly. I say “chose” because that’s exactly what she did. She essentially shut herself away and waited to die. She refused to see much of anyone and immersed herself in bitterness toward people she felt had wronged her. My husband tried to honor his mother by offering to help her and by asking to visit, but most of the time she said she didn’t feel like it. She didn’t want to see her grandchildren either. When my husband and I did see her, she consistently talked about how she wanted to die and how every day was torture without her husband. She also stopped seeing doctors, going to the dentist, and taking care of herself in general.

In May of this year, my husband noticed that his mom sounded very sick on the phone and begged her to see a doctor. She claimed she was too sick to go and refused. Not long afterward, we received a call that she had fallen at home and was in the ER. She had become extremely ill from a completely treatable UTI, which led to hospitalization, then a nursing home, and ultimately to her death last week. She was only 78.

As I was trying to write her obituary, I struggled with what to say. My feelings about her are not very positive right now, and while I can recall happy memories, it’s difficult to overlook her final years and the fact that she became more of a cautionary tale than an example to follow. The one thing my husband and I have said to each other throughout this is that this is exactly what we do not want to do to our children.

Thank you for advocating for making good choices and treating those around us with respect and kindness. You have been a guiding light for me through most of my life, and I’m happy to say that I chose very well and continue to be a mom to my hideous children. 😉

With love,

Ashley

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